Brick Castles

So forget it. There is no turning back. I have built a castle around us.

It surrounds us. Brick by brick, I slowly built. No fire, no rain will bring us down.

Claustrophobic, maybe, your mind but catastrophic is my love.

Gentle tidal waves crash against our broken strings,

You, my Moon, still smiling.

I don't want you to come crawling back to me,

but it would be nice.

I don't want us to "Stop, drop and roll"

But I would set fire to see what could happen.

And those little things I did,

those little meals I cooked,

I cooked myself to you each time. A little of myself.

You are not the vegetarian you claim to be, after all.

I will free the Devil if God asks me to,

but I would trap God in our sticky web if you wanted.

I'm not an atheist but with you, there is no God.

I'm not a violent person but with you, I'd fight wars.

I wake up and pray myself unto you, each morning,

pray myself, onto you.

I shake the universe, wake up!

I'm still here, hanging to the past,

hanging, handing. I'm scared...

I'm scared that if I let go, I'll fall somewhere I don't want to.

So I cling. I am a creeper and you are the pole,

you are the pole. Six feet tall.

You are the pole built into our brick wall.

I trip on stones I never knew existed until now.

Huge ones. Boulders. I crash and yet I move to find a way,

a way to you. It's the Road Not Taken.

Guess you've built a wall.

Well then, break it down.

Come crawling back, you slimy pest.

Don't you see how miserable I've become.

I haven't cooked, I write wasted rhymes. For what?!

For you!?

I've cried enough, I don't have enough tissues,

lend me your towels. I can't promise to bring them back.

I've cried enough, my eyes are wet,

blow me to life. 

It's so hard to say goodbye, I'll admit..

but a few have to be said.

I have built, for you, castles in mid air,

I forgot to lay the basic foundation, I was misled.

Know me more..

I pick pretty things. I lose them. I am not sorry. My bones are broken instruments waiting to be heard by the deaf.  

My mouth stinks and I drool while sleeping. I still hug a little brown bear which has "I love you, Mom" written on it. Honestly? I don't care for it. I don't want to feel the absence of someone beside me.  I am not sorry.

People tend to run to me for advices. Tell you what? I am the last person you have to run to for advices. I suck at advising someone. I lend them. You have to give it back. I am not sorry at all.

When I am alone, which I am for 17 out of 24 hours, I think of you. I think of you even when I am not alone. I have managed to push you into the back of my head, somehow. I know you don't need me anymore, but I do. And I will cling onto you, like a creeper to the pole. I think of the number of things I'd do to you, if I was there. But I won't be there. I'll never be there. I am fat kid stuck on the slide. I can't move. I am sorry.

I used to smoke, drink and lie. I came home drunk a number of times. I cursed my parents when they weren't looking.  I am not sorry.

I am not sorry I was moving on the bed and breathing heavily when he pinned all those wires on my head to see if I was normal. It hurt. I was fucking uncomfortable. The beds were not clean. My head hurt. He shone light in my eyes. It hurt.  I am not sorry.

I prefer my father over my mother. But if I had an option that said "None" I would mark on it, like a confident teenager in an exam. I wouldn't fail. And I am not sorry.

I love people. I hate people. I don't know what I want. I want pink, I want black. I want you broken, I want you smiling. I want her to be mine, I want her to stay away. I am insecure. I push people away. I am sorry. I can't change who I am.

I write. I write about myself. I write about you. I write about her. I write about your best friend. I write about my imaginary friend. I am not sorry.

I still have an imaginary friend who doesn't have a name. He's gone now. He'll be back. I hurt him. I am not sorry.

I don't pretend. If I don't like you, I don't like you. I am not sorry.

I change best friends more often than they change their minds. I am not sorry.

I don't want to go back and live my childhood once again. I want to live away. I want to live more. I want to live longer.

I am arrogant. I complain. I don't make resolutions. I am not sorry.

I like myself. I keep to myself. I am an introvert and I am happy I am one. I am not sorry at all.

I like to win arguments. I need to win arguments. So don't pick up one with me. I won't be sorry.

I need attention and once I receive it, I don't need it anymore. I am sorry.

I don't watch the news. I don't read the newspaper. I don't think media deserves that kind of attention anymore. I don't think media deserves my attention. I am not sorry. In fact I want to make sure, I fuck it over.

I love Muslims, Hindus and Sikhs equally. I love Christians too, just a little intolerant. Most of them are nice. I am not sorry though. I am never sorry for this.

I spend dad's money on clothes and shoes and don't wear them enough. I don't thank him enough. I am sorry.

I scream at mummy a lot. I scream at daddy. I am sorry.

I make sure I stay up every day until 3 in the night and see how early I can wake up. I have never woken up before 10 during the holidays. I am not sorry.

I am sorry, I say "Goodnight" and spend time with myself.

I don't say "I love you" , "Thank you" "Please" enough. I am not sorry. In fact, I don't think I'll ever be using them.

I am sorry I was collecting pebbles and dropping diamonds on the way. I have not gone back to pick them up yet.