WARNING : I love my parents ok? For those assholes who think I don't, don't do all "Hawwww, she a mummy daddy hater. They do so much for her." shit on my page. If you need to make any bad comments at all... Take a deep breath, type in your comment, don't press 'send', now read that comment out loud to yourself...done? Good, now shove it up your ass.
I will get directly to the point.. My mummy daddy can sometimes be such a pain in the butt. Sometimes it feels like it's their life goal to make sure their children are in pain. It feels like they need revenge... dad needs his revenge because I deprived him of any pleasure for the nine months I was in mummy's womb.. and don't ask about mummy... It's not that I don't love my parents.. I do. And loads. They are super cool and are my best friends but sometimes...desi parents.. they just don't get it, man.
Desi Parent Example 1.
We are at a party and suddenly Rani aunty is coming towards us. In my mind, I literally hear English men shouting "Missiles coming your way, dodge and run." But too late. Boom! Aunty in my private space!! Aunty keeps asking ridiculous questions and at one point of time (Esp if I am on my periods) I snap. I start being cold and snap at her. Mummy comes to me and whispers like we are in a classroom (psshht yeah) "hey, better behave or your face meets my slippers when we get home. Haven't I taught you to behave?"
Oh yeah mummy? Taught me to behave? I recall you saying "Woh Rani aunty hain na? Rani aunty? Big fat aunty. Why can't she ask curd from someone else huh? We look like doodhwala to her? Huh? Huh? "
So you are being mad at me for being upfront about my feelings toward someone while you speak ill things about them while they turn their back? Sly mummy, you!!
Desi Parent Example 2.
"Dadddyyyy, I want a phone," .. I regret saying this. I do, friends, I do. All desi children, let's maintain silence for a few seconds for the respect we lost because we spoke this sentence. For all those who are wondering why... here it is.
My dad walks in to the store like a boss, smiles at everyone like he met them at Raju's party and scans the phones like he designed them. Poor shop walas display rates on there. Now shop wala advice : NEVER display rates because it is no use. Indian parents don't see the point of it.
So dad's all like "Tho kitne ka hain?" (How much is it?) From behind I come to him and I'm like "Psst, dad it's written there." And dad goes all "Oye, chup. I know na? I know. Shut up"
The uncleji at shop very politely explains everything. but dad no get it. Dad be like "If I go to China bazaar, he gives me this for lot cheaper huh. I come here because it is a good shop and all. Nice people. But you cheat me huh?"
And you're thinking... Hide, dude, hide. Just freaking hide or you can never enter this store again
"Sir, no, that's the rate everywhere."
"No, you lie to me."
This happens for an hour and then daddy tries technique no. 2 'Your Friendly next door neighbour'
"Chalo bhai, we all friends here huh? Discount tho do."
"Nahi sir, we can't."
Ok, maybe if you stare at the phone screen for long enough you will disappear into it.
Technique no. 3 'Emotional Atyachaar'
"Chal, let's go. All I wanted to do was buy my child a computer, but how? I am poor. The economy these days. Chal, let's leave."
And when even that doesn't work dad knows that he has no choice but to get you your computer. So the point here is, Indian parents NEVER see the point. They know that they will have to pay the entire amount but they haggle, still. God knows why? Maybe it's one of those superstitions, you know "Bargain or your device dies a miserable death." I don't see any other explanation.
Desi Parent Example 3.
I think when a married desi couple find out they are going to have a child, they start preparing. And by preparing, I don't mean preparing being a parent... I mean..STUDY. I know, you must be thinking "Bitch talking shit now, homie." but NO. Trust me. I know the truth.
It goes like
"You are expecting," kind nurse smiles.
"Chalo vey, take out encyclopedia, wikipedia, sab pedia nikalo..padho.." Indian parents scream.
They be studying nine months like us motherfuckers preparing for an exam the day before. Studying like crazies and when the time comes, God smiles and says "Here, push your exam paper out" and we come... miserable little creatures who don't know what's in store.
Why all the studying you ask? Yes, see Indian parents love show off huh! You wear silver, my mummy wear gold. You wear gold, my mummy wear platinum. You wear platinum, you probably a very rich aunty my mummy sucks up to.
So they practice all their studying on us.
While eating breakfast :
Mum : Did you know bananas are good for health? Eat.
While drinking water :
Dad : Did you know if you drink lots of water you grow more immune to diseases?
While peeing :
Mummy : Oye puttar, did you know your pee contains ammonia and other acids? Clean the bathroom eh?
Okay I totally made up the last one but you get the drift, don't you?
Mummy and daddy become those nerds at school who you want to hit so bad.
To be continued
I will get directly to the point.. My mummy daddy can sometimes be such a pain in the butt. Sometimes it feels like it's their life goal to make sure their children are in pain. It feels like they need revenge... dad needs his revenge because I deprived him of any pleasure for the nine months I was in mummy's womb.. and don't ask about mummy... It's not that I don't love my parents.. I do. And loads. They are super cool and are my best friends but sometimes...desi parents.. they just don't get it, man.
Desi Parent Example 1.
We are at a party and suddenly Rani aunty is coming towards us. In my mind, I literally hear English men shouting "Missiles coming your way, dodge and run." But too late. Boom! Aunty in my private space!! Aunty keeps asking ridiculous questions and at one point of time (Esp if I am on my periods) I snap. I start being cold and snap at her. Mummy comes to me and whispers like we are in a classroom (psshht yeah) "hey, better behave or your face meets my slippers when we get home. Haven't I taught you to behave?"
Oh yeah mummy? Taught me to behave? I recall you saying "Woh Rani aunty hain na? Rani aunty? Big fat aunty. Why can't she ask curd from someone else huh? We look like doodhwala to her? Huh? Huh? "
So you are being mad at me for being upfront about my feelings toward someone while you speak ill things about them while they turn their back? Sly mummy, you!!
Desi Parent Example 2.
"Dadddyyyy, I want a phone," .. I regret saying this. I do, friends, I do. All desi children, let's maintain silence for a few seconds for the respect we lost because we spoke this sentence. For all those who are wondering why... here it is.
My dad walks in to the store like a boss, smiles at everyone like he met them at Raju's party and scans the phones like he designed them. Poor shop walas display rates on there. Now shop wala advice : NEVER display rates because it is no use. Indian parents don't see the point of it.
So dad's all like "Tho kitne ka hain?" (How much is it?) From behind I come to him and I'm like "Psst, dad it's written there." And dad goes all "Oye, chup. I know na? I know. Shut up"
The uncleji at shop very politely explains everything. but dad no get it. Dad be like "If I go to China bazaar, he gives me this for lot cheaper huh. I come here because it is a good shop and all. Nice people. But you cheat me huh?"
And you're thinking... Hide, dude, hide. Just freaking hide or you can never enter this store again
"Sir, no, that's the rate everywhere."
"No, you lie to me."
This happens for an hour and then daddy tries technique no. 2 'Your Friendly next door neighbour'
"Chalo bhai, we all friends here huh? Discount tho do."
"Nahi sir, we can't."
Ok, maybe if you stare at the phone screen for long enough you will disappear into it.
Technique no. 3 'Emotional Atyachaar'
"Chal, let's go. All I wanted to do was buy my child a computer, but how? I am poor. The economy these days. Chal, let's leave."
And when even that doesn't work dad knows that he has no choice but to get you your computer. So the point here is, Indian parents NEVER see the point. They know that they will have to pay the entire amount but they haggle, still. God knows why? Maybe it's one of those superstitions, you know "Bargain or your device dies a miserable death." I don't see any other explanation.
Desi Parent Example 3.
I think when a married desi couple find out they are going to have a child, they start preparing. And by preparing, I don't mean preparing being a parent... I mean..STUDY. I know, you must be thinking "Bitch talking shit now, homie." but NO. Trust me. I know the truth.
It goes like
"You are expecting," kind nurse smiles.
"Chalo vey, take out encyclopedia, wikipedia, sab pedia nikalo..padho.." Indian parents scream.
They be studying nine months like us motherfuckers preparing for an exam the day before. Studying like crazies and when the time comes, God smiles and says "Here, push your exam paper out" and we come... miserable little creatures who don't know what's in store.
Why all the studying you ask? Yes, see Indian parents love show off huh! You wear silver, my mummy wear gold. You wear gold, my mummy wear platinum. You wear platinum, you probably a very rich aunty my mummy sucks up to.
So they practice all their studying on us.
While eating breakfast :
Mum : Did you know bananas are good for health? Eat.
While drinking water :
Dad : Did you know if you drink lots of water you grow more immune to diseases?
While peeing :
Mummy : Oye puttar, did you know your pee contains ammonia and other acids? Clean the bathroom eh?
Okay I totally made up the last one but you get the drift, don't you?
Mummy and daddy become those nerds at school who you want to hit so bad.
To be continued
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